How to Solve World Over-Population With A Bicycle

Author: Professor Goat, B.S. PhD. (Bull Shit Piled High & Deep)

Due to the continuing insane surge in world population, anybody who's stunned enough to remove themselves from the gene pool is doing the rest of us a big, big favour. If world population were effectively curbed, just think of the advantages!

- Nobody would be hungry
- We could all grow fat and drink beer all day long
- Dictators would have nobody to oppress, so they'd just go away

Modern science has given us a device capable of converting the wanton stupidity of the masses to much needed funerals - the bicycle. So, in support of all those Darwin Award wanna-be's out there, striving day in and day out to snuff themselves out by using their bikes as tools of stupidity, we are pleased to offer a compendium of quick and easy methods for accomplishing just that. The only other reasonable method for snuffing out the useless would be a giant meteorite strike, but we all know that will never happen. So, without further ado, we are proud to present selections from Professor Goat's "How Solve World Over-Population With A Bicycle".

Chapter 1: Riding on the Sidewalk

A winner every time. Not only are you a prime target of little old ladies in mammoth Lincoln Continentals as they back out from behind tall hedges, but you may just take the odd pedestrian with you in your hell-bent romp down that little strip of concrete in the heart of suburbia. Grandma in the Lincoln will attribute the bump as you bounce off her fender to a mild bout of gas caused by the tin of beans she tossed down before ripping out the door on her way to bingo.

Variations: Try closing your eyes as you bomb down that hill. Many have found that this adds a delicious sense of mystery. Try to identify the age / gender of your victims by the pitch of their screams. If you're still alive and on the bike at the end of your run, deduct 10 points and try again on a more populated sidewalk with several busy intersections. Duke Street is rather in vogue at the moment, particularly during tourist season.

For more information on Tourist Season or to obtain a Tourist License, telephone the Nova Scotia Department of Natural Resources. Bag limits for 2001 are 3 adults per weekday, 5 on Sundays. Those under 125 CM in length are to be thrown in harbour to play with the rubbers and beach whistles.

Chapter 2: Riding without a Helmet

A timeless classic... why spend your time pushing your veggies around your plate at dinner, when you can become a vegetable yourself? There are vast tracts of land filled with trees, phone poles, buildings, roads, boxes of dirty magazines and Volkswagens all waiting to make the acquaintance of your unprotected head. Be sure not to disappoint them!

Chapter 3: The Ancient Art of Riding with Someone Perched on your Handlebars

Nothing screams out "Begging for Death" like some knob perched on the handlebars of a ratty old Supercycle pedalled by some guy that looks like a rehab reject. The one on the bars is guaranteed to be wearing a ratty old KISS t-shirt. The most impressive feature will be the mullets and bad teen-age moustaches. Best of all, this little stunt often disposes of 2 twerps for the price of 1. So kiddies, here's what you'll need to imitate this tried and true path to the pearly gates:

- Item: Bicycle, Qty. 1. Preferably an old department store bike with badly seized brakes and under-inflated tires.
- Item: Mullets, Qty. 2.
- Item: Idiocy, Qty. As much as you like.
- Item: Black KISS T-Shirt, Qty. 1. Black Megadeath or Slayer T-Shirts with at least 13 cigarette burns may be substituted.
- Item: Half Finished Cigarettes, Qty. 2. If for some reason the ride doesn't kill you, lung cancer will finish the job in 20 years.
- Bonus Item: Cell Phone, Qty. 1. Particularly if used by the driver.

Note: This stunt is also know as the "Cape Breton Tandem".

Chapter 4: Riding Without Lights

A sure way to rid the world of your stupid self is to ride in low visibility conditions without lights or reflective clothing. Low visibility occurs when people can't see very well. This may be due to a number of common conditions:

- Fog
- Night
- Solar eclipse
- Cataracts
- Blindness
- Stroke
- Can't find them thar gawsh-durned spectacles
- Participation in a "Who Can Keep Their Eyes Shut For The Longest" Competition
- Dense black smoke from burning oil refineries
- Mind altering drugs
- Dense globs of chocolate goo falling from the sky
- Extreme age

In order to take advantage of any of these conditions and maximize the lack of visibility inherent in low visibility situations, we suggest the following:

- Don't use reflectors or bicycle lights
- Wear black, non-reflective clothing
- Don't use a horn or bell
- Ride in vehicles' blind spots
- Hide in dense bushes along the side of the road and randomly pop out into oncoming traffic

Chapter 5: Keep Your Bike in a State of Poor Repair

Brakes? Who needs brakes? The more seized or pad-less, the better. Keeping your tires under-inflated is of great additional assistance in your quest for chaos. Allow all moving parts to rust profoundly. Dip your bicycle in the ocean for 30 minutes each day for a week and allow to air dry in the sun. Lubrication is for sissies; you wouldn't want to lose that manly squeak, would you now? Leave it outside when not in use, particularly during winter storms.

After Word: Bringing it all Together

Any of the methods mentioned in the previous chapters should more than suffice to finish off all but the luckiest idiots that nature can supply.

For those privileged few who seem quite unable to dispose of themselves, we heartily suggest a combined approach - try mixing and matching methods until you achieve success! For instance, you could try some of these:

- Bomb down a steep hill on the sidewalk not wearing a helmet while talking on a cell phone. I witnessed one of these just a couple of weeks ago! The cell phone is a stupendous touch, just enough to provide the distraction needed to fail to observe the Winnebago parked on the sidewalk down below.

- At night, without a helmet, ride a bike without brakes 10 centimetres away from the doors of a row of parked cars. Bravo! Disaster is sure to follow hot on your heels! While you're at it, do us all a favour and clobber that nasty old librarian wearing the hideous flamingo-print dress. Assent to biker heaven is guaranteed if you take out her miserable, yappy little turd of a Pekingese too!

- Wearing really baggy pants, guaranteed to snag your chain rings, ride down a steep hill on the sidewalk with the Arch-Bishop of Canterbury perched on the handlebars preaching to the squad of depraved podiatrists towed in a little red wagon behind, nobody wearing helmets except the little statue of Mussolini duct taped to your handlebars where your brake levers used to be while talking on 3 cell phones at the same time. Doom should be imminent unless you happen land on the nice, plump Arch-Bishop.

So, in conclusion, if you're stupid; if you're dumb as mule and twice as ugly; if you couldn't pour piss out of a rubber boot if the directions were printed on the heel; if your motto is "It Can't Happen To Me!" then keep on riding your bike without any regard for safety whatever! You'll be doing the world a grand service.

Posted by nimzie at May 14, 2003 09:40 PM

---