The Endless Hell of Bicycle Maintenance

Professor Goat is on a milking sabbatical this August, so standing in for this Month's Saddle Sores is Mr. Fixit, who graciously presents us with:

The Endless Hell of Bicycle Maintenance

Hi! I'm Mr. Fixit, and this month we'll be talking about one of the greatest pits of despair involved in the sport of Cycling: Do-It-Yourself Bicycle Maintenance. By the time you've put in sufficient elbow grease and cash to keep your ride maintained, Mr. Fixit guarantees that:

(a) You'll be divorced.
(b) You definitely won't have any beer left.
(c) You'll be poor.
(d) You'll have syphilis. Lucky you!

Contrary to popular belief, it does not take a graduate of the prestigious Barnett Bicycle Institute in order to repair your bicycle. You simply need to be a Barnett graduate to do it well!

Fortunately, your good friend, Mr. Fixit (who, I might remind you, has been OFFICIALLY pardoned for all those indecent exposure charges) can show you how to perform a variety of simple bicycle repair tasks in a manner that will help you keep your wife and life and possibly even avoid a nasty dose of the clap.

So, without further ado, let's examine some pressing bicycle maintenance issues.

First up: Removing that Unsightly Gook from your Bike.

One of the joys of mountain biking is mud. Lots of it. Enough to build pies, cakes, sand castles or your own personal swamp, maybe even in your belly button as long as you have an "innie" not an "outie". Everybody with "outies", that's gross. Sharpen a spoon and carve yourself an "innie"... you'll agree that it's much better!

Anyhow, here's the best way to remove mud from your bike, lawyers from your wallet and snails from the upholstery of your Desoto: A fire hose! A note of warning: high pressure water is best directed at hubs, headsets and bottom brackets for long periods of time; in addition to removing mud, all the unsightly greasy black goo that's pressed into them will be removed as well... everything should be so clean it shines! After performing this operation, simply ignore that grinding clicking noise... no matter what those Barnett airheads say, it's PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Next: Tightening Your Bolts.

Good Mechanics everywhere will tell you that great care must be taken when tightening bolts; if you apply too much "torque" you might strip things called "threads". Well, bollocks to that! "Torque" and "Threads" are just fancy industry terms that mean "I can take this sucker for some extra cash by using fancy words that he doesn't understand so that I can charge him for tightening bolts!" Well, don't be a fool - there's no need for you to be taken in by shady mechanics any longer! Get the biggest, longest wrenches and allan keys you can find and tighten those bolts as much as you can - that way when you're hucking off 50 foot drops, nothing will come loose; after all, loose bolts are hazardous!

Shifting Problems? Adjust Your Derailleur.

What is a derailleur, anyway? A derailleur is a dirty French word invented by a dirty Frenchman that comes from the verb "Derailler", meaning to shift bicycle gears. Here it is conjugated:

Je deraille
Tu derailles
Il / Elle deraille
Nous deraillons
Vous deraillez
Ils / Elles deraillent

For example, "Nous deraillons aujourd'hui" means: We shift bicycle gears today!

And, just for the hell of it, here's l'imparfait - the imperfect tense

Je deraillais
Tu deraillais
Il / Elle deraillait
Nous deraillions
Vous derailliez
Ils / Elles deraillaient

For example, "Elle deraillait tout le temps" means: She used to shift bicycle gears all the time! Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? Vous me deraillez, bibi!

In Scots Gaelic, Aooch Blaarg Droachalbech! will tell the average Scottish bicycle mechanic that you're in desperate need of some cough medicine.

Oh yes. Derailleur Adjustments. A big hammer works well. I've also had good results with a hacksaw and a six-pack.

Finally: How to Fix a Wobbly Wheel.

Many a mechanic will tell you that the hallmark of a true bicycle mechanic is the ability to build and repair bicycle wheels. Mr. Fixit couldn't agree more. As time and space are limited, Mr. Fixit will concentrate only on straightening, or "truing" if you're a pro, a wobbly wheel.

There are a number of approaches you can take, depending upon the degree of wobbliness.

1. Wobbly Pop. Mr. Fixit's best buddy enjoys using a phenomenon called "wobbly pop", better known as "rum and coke" to solve this particular problem... have a few of those and you won't even care if you have wheels, let alone whether they're wobbly or not. Mr. Fixit highly recommends this particular approach.

2. If your wheel is only a tiny bit wobbly, you can grind down the sidewall of the rim to remove the wobble. I recommend any of the fine grinding products made by "Black & Decker", "MasterCraft" or "Husqvarna". You could use a regular file, but that would take quite a bit of time.

3. If your wheel is moderately or completely wobbly, also known as taco'd, it is beyond repair. Since it is taco'd, I recommend Old El Paso extra spicy Salsa. Chow down!

Post-Finally: How to Avoid the Clap.

1. Abstain. (boooring!)
2. Wear Protection. (Ooooh, sure... just suck ALL the pleasure out of it!)
3. Get drunk and pretend it won't happen to you. (Most Likely).

And there we have it: Solutions to common problems faced by the home bicycle mechanic. For instructions on how to be as cool as Mr. Fixit, send $50 and a Self Addressed, Stamped Envelope to:

Mr. Fixit - The King of Cool
123 Sucker Lane
Hali'mfax, Nova'm Scotia
B0B 0B0

Thank you, and good day.

The views above are purely editorial and do not necessarily reflect the views of ecmtb.com.

Posted by nimzie at May 14, 2003 09:38 PM

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